sarahcentric

I know it will be difficult to think of anything besides the economy when you head to the polls this year. But do not forget that our next president will most likely be appointing several Supreme Court justices. Therefore, it is your responsibility to seriously consider what type of judge your candidate will support! Where do they stand on freedom of speech and a right to privacy? Are environmental concerns a priority? Do they believe that Sarah Jackson is almost always totally right?!

What follows is a summary of the the events of October 4, 2008 between myself and a local bagel shop in Queens, Hot Bagels. (Incidentally, I’m pretty sure this is not the name of the business since every joint that sells bagels here has that same awning.)  It pains me to challenge the best bagels in Queens like this. But the right to believe that I am almost always totally right is at stake! Also, if I do make it to the Supreme Court, I can certainly justify buying that insanely adorable, 500 dollar, sky blue coat in Anthropologie’s catalog this fall. A sistah’s gotta look cute, right?!

But two Saturdays ago, I did NOT look cute. It is scientifically impossible at 7:30 on a Saturday morning to be cute. If I woke up at a decent hour like 9 or 10, enough brain cells may have been active to throw together a nice ensemble to get the typical weekend errands done. There would not be much make-up and my hair would be pulled back. But a perfectly appointed Maximum Comfort outfit can get you around Queens pretty easily. If the outfit is just so, I am sure that you can run into…oh, I don’t know, say… Daniel Craig, and he would still propose to you. Come on, just picture me without the glasses…Thandie Newtown’s identical twin.

The situation was not even this good that fateful Saturday morning. I should have known better than to leave the house in a pullover hoodie and yoga pants. (Please note, yoga pants are usually acceptable, but thanks to some working out they are a little big on me at the moment. And there is nothing, NOTHING sadder than my pancake-butt in yoga pants.) But without any food or coffee in my apartment, drastic measures had to be taken. Hot Bagels is just a few blocks away. I was sure I could make it there and back, before Daniel Craig was up and running around Queens looking for his true love.

Things started out just fine. I made it to the bagel shop early enough to avoid a huge weekend line and to enjoy the freshest bagels ever. These were HOT bagels, literally. I was paired up with my favorite counterperson-lady who has filled my regular order with the desperate plea at the end for the past 6 years, “Could I get a whole wheat bagel with just a LITTLE cream cheese, please?…Like, hardly any!” She and I have danced this dance many times, so you can understand why I thought I was safe here at Hot Bagels in such a fragile state.

I was not safe.

For reasons I will never understand, my counterperson-lady grabbed THREE whole wheat bagels and cream-cheesed them up. Yes, I watched as she did this. But remember, I was in a fragile state. I thought it was slightly odd, but I assumed these bagels must be for someone else! it wasn’t until she started loading up a tiny brown paper bag with what looked like a 1000 whole wheat bagels at that moment, that I realized what was happening.

“Oh no, no…I only wanted one.”

“No.  You said three.”

“Uhhh..No, just one, please.”

“Well, umm, pfff, why would you just watch and let me do that?”

“I-I-I’m sorry.  I didn’t realize-I just wanted one.”

Coffee became unnecessary once my character was attacked.  This will snap you out of an early morning haze right quick! Muttering to myself all the way home and ranting on the phone to friends, an argument developed which will certainly be precedent setting when Hot Bagels and I head to the Supreme Court. Not only because it is air-tight, but because I will look ridiculously cute in that Anthropologie coat!  Here is my opening statement.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the Supreme Court, (I guess that’s what you call them.  I’ll have to look that up before I get there.), I intend to prove that I am totally right about this!   These are the facts…

1. You only order one bagel or a dozen, period.  Who orders three freaking bagels?!  Ok, maybe if you had a three-way with … oh, I don’t know, say… Daniel Craig and Aaron Eckhart… maybe then you would be a good host and pick up some bagels for everyone.  But even then, it’s pretty hard to believe that everyone would want the same bagel!  Am I right, Ruth Bader-Ginsburg, or am I right?! (At this point Ruth would just put her hand up and I would saunter over there for a high-five.) That’s right, girl..you know what’s up!
2. The only circumstance which would lead someone to order three of the exact same bagel is if that person suffered from obsessive-compulsive disorder. And, as you can plainly see from the pictures of my outfit that day, I am not obsessive-compulsive.  (The justices would pass around photos of my outfit that morning and Alito would react, “ooo, not good.  Pancake-butt.”)  Alright, Alito, you don’t have to be a jerk about it…
3. And finally, I didn’t order three bagels, because I have NEVER ordered three bagels in the 6 years that I have lived in Queens!

This ruling, your honors, is bigger than one bagel, or even a dozen!  It protects every citizen’s right to be totally right about these everyday challenges to what we know is true.  Consider my sister who ordered 50 Dunkin’ Donuts munchkins for her graduate class only to open that huge box and find 25! Should her character have been questioned when she went back the next day and they demanded she produce a receipt?  Of course she ordered 50! Who would lie and scheme to get 25 more Munchkins?!

(For the dramatic finish, I would adjust the collar on my  Anthropologie coat which I would have to wear through the whole thing since I couldn’t afford a decent outfit underneath after purchasing it.  Everyone would expect me to say “I rest my case.” But instead, I would be all…)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Supreme Court, I am so sure!

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